Monday, November 18, 2002
YES! i'm the most hatable person of the day, 2.5 days running! ::go me, go me::

all b/c i said adam duritz's voice (sp?) isn't too great. neither is the pearl jam dude's. who knew?

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I like to read just about EVERYONE's profile when I'm bored... and so i checked out this dude's profile (he probably doesn't even remember that i exist anymore, i just never bothered to delete his SN from my buddy list), and saw he had a xanga. curiosity got the better of me... and after reading his xanga, and those of a few other people who graduated last year, it made me think again. sometimes i wake up from my three hour naps and i'm just so friggin exhausted that the only thing that makes me sit up straight is this overwhelming sense of panic. it's, you have to get up, you have to study, you don't want to fail now do you?, you don't want 3.5 years of hard work going down the drain... and for a minute, everything seems so surreal, just as it does right before i fall asleep and enter said 3-hour slumber. because you realize that there's been very little time in your actual high school career where you just sat back and enjoyed everything for what it is. you're always trying to make up for the past or build your future, nothing is ever in the present. even when you're on vacation. maybe i'm just a lazy sloth or something, but i never feel that i've properly relaxed unless you just have a moment to kick back and ponder how good life is (or conversely, how much it SUHX). it's funny, the other day my mother mentioned to me how it's a little depressing when we get gloomy weather outside. and i realized that hasn't mattered to me since i don't know when, since all i'm going to do is end up staring at my books or computer anyway. i probably wasn't like this freshman year, but then again, all of the chaos since has made me forget what life is really like. and the sad thing is that i have roughly 8 more years of this down the road. i'll never really get to enjoy life until my late 20s. how sad is that? i know some people do all this shit and manage to lead lives, but i'm a lazy ass, i procrastinate, and i don't like to stay up too late. therefore, i'll probably never get to jump into a pile of leaves or just lay down on the grass and guess the shape of the clouds until i've spent 20 years in school... not just learning... doing institutionalized learning. and even after all that, i'll probably enter some high stress career, and unless i retire at 40, i'll just basically have no life. i'm not cut out for this crap. some days i just feel like it's all going to pull me under. i enjoy learning, yes, but to tell you the truth, i would be more than happy with Bs if it wasn't for everyone else. once u start competing, there's no way out. because then you think, what if i did all this shit just to go to Rutgers? yes, i still wouldn't have to pay, but wouldn't that suck? i already feel that way about PSATs... if I'd just studied a little harder... and even sometimes about SATs... although I haven't bothered to take them a third point because hopefully colleges won't give a shit about those 50 points either. i certainly don't.

now i have to go do an essay for my retarded english class.
--posted by M @ 9:13 PM | 0 comments

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