Wednesday, December 25, 2002
I just can't get this song out of my head...


I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself

If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?


Anyway, I've been feeling really down for the most part over the past few days, not sure why. The combination of not feeling pressed to do any work, physically and mentally, and just missing the presence of 1/3 of my family has left me feeling like there's a big, gaping hole in my life right now. One would think that the remedy to my problem, then, would be to do work and to stay in touch with my mother. Unfortunately, old habits die hard (and therefore I'll procrastinate on my work as much as possible) and you can't rebuild the atmosphere of another person. I suppose I could fill my life by keeping myself busy with other activities, but I'm also a loser whose friends are all away or busy or there (but I'm too lazy to figure something out). (More precisely, I'm the loser that's writing in her blog on Christmas Day. Even though I'm not really religious, I think this is the first holiday season ever that I've felt so unfestive). Then again, I feel like I don't have many close friends. The phrase "best friend" has, sad to say, never really been a part of my vocabulary. While I tend to talk everyone's ears off, I've just never been able to forge that close a bond with someone... I've been witness to childish cliquishness... even in high school. It's hard to explain or express this.

If anyone one is still reading, I'm not saying all this to get someone's pity. That's honestly the last thing I want right now. And with that disclaimer, back to self-analysis.

I don't think I've ever truly trusted a non-family member, and that's because I've always been afraid that people make fun of me behind my back. Everyone wants acceptance from their peers, and I'm ashamed to say that deep down, I'm probably worse than most. I don't think I hated moving around, but it certainly wasn't a pleasant experience. While I babble once I'm in a group that I feel comfortable with, I found it incredibly difficult to get used to each new school setting... it's not so bad at detested functions such as parties, actually, but in school, you have to find a way to somehow distinguish yourself in a group of lunch tables that seem to have predetermined members. At the same time, while I don't know if I'd move to EB again if I had to, it definitely opened my eyes. Other people visit foreign countries to get a taste of different cultures; moving from Highland Park to EB had the same effect for me. Never in my life have I had such a jarring experience. The only similarty between EB and HP was the number of Jews, probably (not meant in a racist way at all, just telling the truth). The size of the school, the proliferation of A & F shirts... I don't think I was ever really happy about school all of my freshman year.

So. As John Mayer aptly put it, I feel like I'm having a mini-"quarter life crisis" of my own. I don't remember the last time I felt this restless and lonely. It's been a while since middle-school angst. :P The only thing I really have to look forward to right now is the GSS NYE^2 party... seems like it won't come soon enough for me.

Like all things, this melancholy will inevitably pass. But for the time being, it just sucks. Really sucks. I think the only thing that would make me happy right now is if I could kidnap John Mayer, bring him to my bedroom, lock my door, and make him sing to me 24-7. Wait, that sounded really bad. Actually, there's a few more things that would make me happy, but I won't list them here... because... *blush*... to state what they are would be so un-me. And I can't go shattering your image of me now, can I?
--posted by M @ 12:57 AM | 0 comments

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