Friday, February 28, 2003
Some days I hate myself as much as the rest of the world. I hate myself because I've become, in many ways, someone who I detest... I hate the person that the world has made me become... and I hate myself for finding excuses to place the blame somewhere else. The world may have had a role in shaping who I am today, but if I practiced what I preached and am really better than those who I scorn, I would've... SHOULD have followed my own principles. I say that when I get to college, or when June rolls around even, when high school is more or less done and there's nothing left to stress out about for another 2.5 months, I will change my ways and change myself. But what if that's just another excuse? Nice people DO finish last, I've discovered. The question is, when will I own up to my beliefs and be able to reconcile this idea to such a degree that I won't mind finishing last?

**edit: within 5 minutes of reading this over, I think I realized that I'll never appreciate finishing last. I think I'll always work hard to NOT finish last... but what I was trying to say was that when will I realize that it's better to not resort to the same tactics others do and finish below them? The ego is a very hard thing to lose. Harder than trying to get rid of my flab, I think.**

My great-uncle said something to me a few weeks ago... we were talking about colleges, and he basically said what my dad's been saying... that if you can't make it into a top college out of high school, it's a bad idea to pay for middle-tier private colleges. I believe his words were, "life is a long marathon"... if you don't win in the beginning, you keep trying your best... mediocre efforts and babying from your parents won't get you anywhere. When I heard this statement, I was filled with dread. Four more years of the insanity of late all over again.. and then another four years after that in med school(?)... then for the rest of my life. Who says it has to end?

During the last week, when we had snow days going on forever, I decided to check out my bookshelf again, driven by procrastination. I ended up reading "Julie of the Wolves" over (by the same guy that did "My Side of the Mountain"), and a line from that book has just come back to me right now-- "when fear seizes you, change what you are doing".

Even this mess of self-pity that I've sunken into tonight is despicable. If only things were that easy... but they're not. And if I was half of who I claim to be, I'd work through it. The only thing that I'm happy about right now is being able to admit all this. Screw what other people think. They can gloat, they can say "I told you so", but I'm determined from now on to not let it get to me. Only I know what I really mean here, and only I can really change myself. If admitting that I have issues to deal with makes them think they're better, so be it. What I do from now on is for myself.

It seems sort of strange quoting Feeney, but I have to admit that, whether he knew it or not, he showed a lot of wisdom when he said "you can't live with regrets". As much as that's true, you can't live with insecurity and wondering what others think of you, always. That doesn't give me license to become an overconfident bastard, but maybe it'll help me become who I really want to be.
--posted by M @ 9:32 PM | 0 comments

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