Tuesday, April 08, 2003
I still have really mixed feelings about this whole college thing...

so basically, I guess this admissions process turned out better than expected. of course, I didn't have high expectations to begin with, so that's not saying a lot. I would've thought that I had a fighting chance at columbia or upenn, but I've gotten flat out rejected... and I was hoping against hope that I would get into one of my first choices. If only my Princeton interviewer was on the adcom for Princeton... *sigh*. But the world's not perfect, and I'm not complaining, really I'm not. I would be a hypocrite to do so. I've probably offended ppl (some of you know what I'm talking about) with my bluntness... someone who is very academically deserving of a spot at one of the ivies didn't get what she wanted... and I basically implied that while she deserved to get in, it's not as if we should all go and burn down those schools just b/c they didn't admit her... because for every case like hers, there are probably 10 others who are just the same. People who had strong grades/scores and decent ECs, vice versa, or had both but just didn't get in... you have my sympathy, really, but life goes on. And if they're as good as they and everyone else thinks they are, they will do just as well everywhere they go (and at this point, for a good deal less money too). So, if you're reading this, I'm sorry if I offended you but it's nothing personal... I was merely speaking honestly, and I think just trying to point out what reality was. It sucks everytime I contemplate this, but life is a really long road... and for those that didn't get what they wanted out of the first 1/4 of their life... you've still got 3/4s to go. I've never heard of anyone whose life was ruined (or even had their goals significantly hampered) just because they didn't get into an Ivy.

Lately, I've also discovered that I've been a prestige whore in denial. When I had to work hard, I always said I didn't care where I would go... that as long as it was a good school, it would be fine. Well you know what? Fuck that. I want a pretty sweatshirt and I want to be arrogant, haha. I want ridiculous grade inflation in all of my humanities classes the most though. So in a sense I'll always wonder, "what if I went that extra mile and worked harder in physics or scored better on the stupid, apathetic testings"... it'll always be an academic thing, b/c for the most part I don't think it would've been humanly possible to do more ECs (well, maybe. but then my sanity would have reached a breaking point... at the same time, i think that's sort of what EB's harvard aceptee ended up doing... but whatever. all is said and done right now). But at the same time, seeing where I was in 8th grade in HP and seeing what I've accomplished in EB is enough for me. There's always (unfortunately) college to push myself to new limits. And this is why, despite my fear of the big bad GPA, I am going to go to MIT.

Sometimes I hate myself for the person I've become. I hate and love my parents and EB for making me into this neurotic, "unspontaneous" person that ends up being a lazy sloth and unable to have fun at the same time, but into someone who ultimately fulfilled her prestige whore dreams (more or less). I hate the idea that I'm trying to plan 8 years of my life from this point. I mean, WTF!??! Isn't college and high school supposed to be the most carefree time of your life?

I'm also a bitch at heart, I admit it. For every arrogant tic I'd like to point out in someone, I probably have two more that are equally bad in me. Sometimes I say things that come out sounding much harsher than I anticipated or wanted... and then I feel really bad, but I never get (or make) the opportunity to apologize. And sometimes, I'm unapologetically cruel. Case in point: today Feeney rambled on and on and on for 45 minutes about how his life sucks. Apparently, Kyle called that "making him human". I feel sorry for him, I really do, but you know what I call that? "unprofessional". If he wants to share his worries with students after class hours, that's fine. But for him to waste 45 min and then wonder why we don't give him all out respect as a teacher... please. On top of that, he's partially deluded himself into thinking that the reason why we don't respect him is b/c we don't fear him. In a way, he's partially correct. It is true that we often give Kenny more credit than we should, and that basically Feeney can't win no matter what he does right now. But for the first two months, no one was like that. We all tried to listen to him; he bounced off the walls. Ok, he's human, he made a mistake. But so are we. It's hard for us to have been at the butt end of his arrogance ("oh, i never worked and i got an A, good lord i must be so smart..." "i'm better than you'll ever be" "even though i've only taught for so many years, i must be as good as moran and kenny" "let's blatantly plagiarize to impress these kids, then punish at two of my students for cheating")... um, no, I don't think so. So gettign back to the point, I really wanted to tell him that Kenny's success (and his "failure") has nothing to do with fear. Kenny, Moran, Kimmel-- some of EB's most respected teachers-- do NOT teach class in a despotic manner. It all comes from that combination of knowledge and experience which he just doesn't have yet. Sometimes having vast amounts of one will compensate for having very little of the other, but he is neither a genius nor is he a great, experienced teacher. I don't think that they're out to "test" him either by giving him 28 students... the reason why Nelson only has 8 is because everyone hates her guts too and switched to Moran... we all have him only b/c a lot of us have double science or whatever so it was impossible for us to get period 3. He is the only other option for goodness sake... many of us would've switched out if we could've. But I don't want to judge on that, maybe they really are giving him a hard time. In any case, I sort of wanted to point this all out, but since it would have been an excercise in futility, I'm glad that he decided to evade me completely. I'm sorry that he's having health problems--for I'd never truly wish ill will on anyone--but it's so annoying that he can be so hypocritical. I mean, somehow the fact that he didn't pay attention and did well is acceptable, but when we do the same it's not?? When I do other work in class and do just as well on the papers (if not better), and after hearing him say stuff like that, what am I supposed to think? What the fuck is he thinking?? I'd love to respect him more as a person, because I've come to realize today that he has a whole shitload of problems that I'm sorry are his and that I'm glad aren't mine. I'm thankful enough that I'm in relatively good health and for the most part don't have to worry about paying the bills, putting food in my mouth, and a roof over my head, and think that he's a cool person for dealing with it all. But for all the hardships he's had to endure and has to spill his guts about, he seems to be forgetting that there are children starving and homeless all over the world who never complain. *shrug* So, the lesson from all this, boys and girls, is that I'm a cold bitch. But most've my friends have realized that I'm just honest like that, and if it ever came down to what counted, I'd do my best for them. And for every friend I've gained that way, I've lost another. But I'm glad that I don't have to be superficial around people. For anyone that's still reading, if I ever do something really wrong, just call me on it, ok? I might get pissed off or depressed, but I'd really hate to live in a bubble and be hypocritical, and hopefully I'll see the error of my ways eventually. :P

So life is so-so right now... I'm a little upset with myself for doin so poorly in all my classes but I can't seem to find the time or motivation to get myself back on track. Whatever. I'm just gonna psych myself up for visiting Boston this week (which will probably culminate in a terrible crash once i come back to make up a gazillion tests and assignments... AGAIN), and we'll wing it from there. I think that's as much spontaneity as I can muster at this point. :)
--posted by M @ 6:05 PM | 0 comments

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