Monday, April 21, 2003
**Warning: long therapeutic post coming up***

Sometime back in January, when I was yet again contemplating all this college stuff, I was struck by fear. Primarily, fear that I wouldn't get in where I wanted to go, but also fear about leaving everything behind and starting anew. I feared leaving the comfortable and predictable ways of my family (who would help me if I got puking sick?), the zone of friends I had, however distant they might be in reality (who would I ask for help on labs at 2 in the morning? who would i say hi to in the hallways? who would I eat lunch and dinner with?), and in general, I feared the unknown (what risks and challenges would I be forced to face by myself?). In short, I wasn't quite ready to face college just yet. I was desperately in need of taking 2 day hiatuses from friends, family, and school every week, but behind all that bravado was a lot of insecurity.

Oh, how things change and stay the same.

In some ways, that fear hasn't changed at all. I'm still giving Rutgers more than the token consideration because I'm too afraid of the challenges at MIT. Wait, let me rephrase that-- I'm not afraid that I won't do well (ie, in terms of job success or whatever) after college, but I'm afraid that after all that hard work I'll have nothing to show for it. It's like a millionaire gambling large amounts in the stock market... for a reasonable fraction of your fortune, you have the chance to hit it big and become even richer. Yet, although a complete loss isn't exactly devastating to your lifestyle, you're still losing all that money. Can I go to UMDNJ from Rutgers while doing even less work and enjoying college more than if I go from MIT to UMDNJ? What's the point of being surrounded by cool people in a cool city if you never have time to enjoy it? I never was a risk taker and I never enjoyed pushing myself to the breaking point. Some people thrive on that; I don't.

I've often wondered when I became so competitive and cutthroat, but lately I've realized that I've always been the jealous sort. Most people don't notice this because I value things that others don't, and vice versa; money is important to me but isn't all consuming, and neither is popularity. I'm also not jealous to the point where that becomes my sole motivation and pushes me to my absolute best. But there's no doubt about it, if it wasn't for that tiny spark of jealousy and knowing that it was possible to do better, I wouldn't be where I am today. Freshman year was spent motivating myself by reasoning that I might as well make the best of a new situation; if I moved to EB for the school, then I better get my angst's worth out of the system, dammit. Sophomore year was spent comparing myself to everyone else, but still, the work was easy enough that I could get away with a minimum amount of stress. Junior year, I sort of ignored the competition and just tried to finish my annoying workload and Kenny papers, one night at a time. Then my report card came back... and I realized that to throw away three years of hard work was very, very stupid. First semester senior year was spent playing catch up and competition games all over again, on top of applying to every school that I could think of. College admissions season came and went, and I was as surprised as everyone else. MIT-- never expected it; Columbia & UPenn--didn't quite want to go there but was disappointed all the same.

And so, we arrive at the present day.

Everyone's assuming that I'll go to MIT because I'm a prestige whore, and even though their assumptions bother me, in a sense they're right. I've discussed this with my parents and I let them know that if I was really unhappy I'd probably end up transferring back to Rutgers, and they said that they understood and that that option would always be available to me. Whether I'll take it I don't know... once I'm at MIT I'll probably feel the same pressure to stay there for the sake of having that pretty transcript for med school as I did when I turned down regular precalc and honors brit lit for precalc H and ap english I because I wanted to stay competitive in the applicant pool. So I'm still torn right now, but deep down I know I'll end up at MIT, regardless of whether my reasoning is right or wrong.

Despite the trepidation with which I face a future at MIT, I'm also fairly excited to get away from all the people of EBHS. College admissions taught me a lot about people who I thought were my friends and people who I didn't really know that well before, and it also affirmed a lot of judgements I had previously made about various people, including myself. A lot of the support that I expected from my "friends" degraded into condescending sneers, and people who didn't even know me that well thought fit to partake in demeaning me. Rather than being hurt though, I was angry mostly...indignant. I expressed a lot of thoughts that I had about the admissions process (regarding both my acceptance to MIT as well as the acceptances/rejections of other people from various institutions) honestly and clearly, with no intention of offending anyone or claiming that I was superior to anyone. Yet this, especially my efforts to point out that certain people weren't superior to everyone else (at least in the adcom's eyes) just because they had a certain GPA or SAT score or award was met with a lot of reactions that I didn't expect. I honestly think that it's hard to determine who "deserves" one spot more than another at EBHS... should it go to the genius who doesn't need to work much to excel at certain subjects? Or should it go to the person that worked the hardest and overcame academic obstacles? Should it go to the student that managed their time and manipulated their GPA the best? Or should it go to the one who overcame personal obstacles? Each person that fits one of these profiles would, honestly speaking, contribute something different to all the best universities and excel as much as the next. So I didn't think that I needed to apologize for simply pointing out the facts of life, but I felt bad about the usual blunt manner in which I said this, and about any hurt that this might have caused, so I apologized. Still, this wasn't enough for some people, and it was for others.

After all this drama, I realized that I would love to have the chance to meet new people and present my real self to them in college, especially at MIT. I definitely became a lot quieter and thought more about what I said before speaking when I came to EB from HP, just because I was in an unfamiliar surrounding without friends. Between this and trying to fit into the preppie, Abercrombie atmosphere that EB oozes, I think I lost a part of myself along the way. Sometime over the last two years though, I've regained that confidence that I once had... I think that never having stayed in one town for more than 5 years at a time has helped me focus on who I want to be and what my beliefs are. So at the end of 17 years, I'm pretty sure I know what I want to do with myself as a person. I just need the opportunity to be unafraid to be myself and hope for the best... I need the opportunity to show people that, despite the tactlessness that I often reveal, I truly care about everyone who is kind, honest, thoughtful, open-minded, and compassionate. Of course, no one is perfect like that. :P But to everyone who has ever really listened to me, has given me advice in a non-judgemental way, or is free of all the the superficial trappings of EB, thank you for both your help and for being a breath of fresh air. It's nice to know that there is still some portion of humanity out there that cares about everything they do because they enjoy it, is willing to look beyond how people look, money/prestige issues, and who ends up on top.
--posted by M @ 2:38 AM | 0 comments

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